


New Beginnings

by BridgetP



Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:48:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BridgetP/pseuds/BridgetP
Summary: This is a continuation of sorts to my previous story.  I hope it's good but if not, I certainly had fun writing it.Danny Reagan is still dealing with the loss of his wife slowly while he starts a new relationship.He wants to start a relationship with no regrets, but it doesn't come without obstacles.Obviously, I don't own any of the characters, except Melanie who is all my head. The rest belong with the wonderful writers of Blue Bloods.Chapter 11 is up.
Relationships: Danny Reagan/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

_Danny is at home from work mindlessly watching tv. He usually worked on Wednesdays, but not this night. Shifts had to get changed because of a case him and Maria were working, so he was home and Linda was at work tonight. He had no idea what shows were even on. Suddenly, the tv changes to breaking news. There was plane crash a short distance from St. Victor’s Hospital and details were stretchy. “Again, not again,” Danny thought to himself his mind going back to 9-11. He’s watching and switching to other news stations to see if he could ascertain anymore information but none of the news reporters seemed to really know what was going on. They just knew that a helicopter or small plane had crashed in a remote area of the park. Without warning, the news station went to commercials and his phone rang._

__

__

It was Jamie on the other end and after exchanging some ‘Hellos,’ Danny asked him if he knew what was going on. He figured if he was working then we would know something. “I don’t know, Danny, I just got called to the scene. I’m not sure why. I’m here now so let me take a look,” Jamie tells his big brother.

Danny could hear some chatter on Jamie’s radio but couldn’t really make out what it was saying and he could hear his brother talking to someone, probably the Sergeant at the scene, but couldn’t make that out either. Jamie gets back on the phone and says, “Dad’s entourage is here. We’ve been instructed by the Sergeants at the scene to turn off our radios. Nothing is to be relayed without permission from IPP. If Dad is here I’m scared to think what this might be.” Jamie hangs up with Danny and walks towards his dad, who looks white as a ghost.

Before he could get there, Sid Gormley steps in front of him and says, “Jamie, I’m glad you’re here. It’s not an easy thing to tell you this but there was a crash, a hospital Medivac from St. Victor’s went down over there. There was only one person on board found alive and she was rushed to St. Victor’s but before she could go your dad did a positive ID.” Jamie took a deep breath and looked into Sid’s eyes. Why did Sid look so nervous? “It’s your sister-in-law, Jamie,” Sid continues. “It doesn’t look good.”

“Has someone called my brother,” Jamie says immediately concerned about his brother. “I just got home off the phone with him. I think he’s at home. He needs to get the hospital because what if,” his voice stops. He doesn’t want to say what comes to mind next. “What if he has to say goodbye?”

Sid comes back with, “Do you want to be the one to make that phone call?”

“Someone needs to,” Jamie yells. He runs over to his dad who is on the phone and hangs up when he sees him.

“Danny is on the way to the hospital. You can ride over with me.” The ride over is silent mostly, except for really heavy, nervous breathing. Jamie doesn’t know what he will do if he had to help plan another funeral. “The boys,” Jamie says out loud looking at his dad.

Frank says breathlessly, “A neighbor is going over to stay with the boys but they don’t know anything yet.”

They get to the hospital and run in, just as Maria is also getting there. They exchange glances without really saying anything. Maria stands and salutes The Commissioner because, protocol and goes to find Danny. Danny is pacing back and forth in front of a row of plastic chairs. “They won’t let me see her,” he says with tear-filled eyes. “They nurse said she coded twice in the ambulance and they had to rush her back to the OR. They wouldn’t even let me see her,” Danny says with fear and anger in his voice. “Someone wake me up from this nightmare! Please, someone pinch me so I can wake up. This isn’t real,” Danny yells to his dad and Jamie and whoever else will listen. “Please tell me this isn’t real?” 

“Why don’t you sit down,” Maria says to him really not knowing what else to do? Linda is his anchor; his balancing rod, she thinks to herself. She can’t even imagine how much this will break her partner if Linda dies. After some persuading, Danny agrees. Maria gets lost in thought trying to think of the right thing to say. She couldn’t bring herself to refer to her in the past tense, not yet. She knows Danny has a temper and this could be what breaks him for good.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,” Danny is counting out loud. “What are you doing, partner,” Maria asks him. “I’m counting the ceiling tiles, “Danny answered without looking at her.

“Why,” she asked?

“When my mom was sick, I heard her tell my dad that counting the ceiling tiles sometimes calmed her anxiety when she was waiting for Chemo,” Danny answered.

“So how many are there,” Maria said hoping to distract him with conversation?

“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten past ten yet before my eyes get to blurry to see,” Danny says after taking a couple of deep heavy breathes. He looked up at the ceiling, took another shaky breath in and held it. He hated hospitals. After a few more attempts at ceiling-tile counting, a frazzled nurse comes into the waiting room.

“Detective Reagan,” she says looking like she wants to cry?

“Yes, how’s my wife,” he asks afraid of the answer?

“I’m sorry. We did everything we could. It just wasn’t enough,” the young nurse said with a tear in her eye.

Danny swayed from side to side like was going to pass out. Frank notices and rushes over to catch him. “Can I see her?”

“Yes, right this way,” the nurse said. She hated this part of her job. It was even worse when she knew the people involved.

The nurse leads Danny down a cold, dark hallway to a single room. The lights all seemed to be out. There was someone laying on the table with a sheet over her. The nurse spoke for a moment with her assistant and went back to Danny, “Are you ready to go in,” she says to Danny?

“No,” he says hoping to believe for another few minutes that he beautiful wife was not under that sheet. That she was around the corner and this was some sick joke she was playing. It wasn’t funny! He had been with so many family members over the years waiting to identify loved ones who were victims of crime. He never thought that someday it would be him standing in a doorway dreading what came next.

“I can give you more time, if you want,” the nurse says without looking at him.

“No, I’m ready.” Danny closes his eyes while the nurse’s assistant lifts the sheet off Linda’s face. He opens them and almost loses his lunch and asks the nurse, “Can I go in?” She nodded but added, “Don’t pull down the sheet any more than it is.”

_Danny gasped at those words. He was pretty sure he knew what that meant. The nurses were talking in nurse-speak off in the distance. Words he didn’t understand. He brushed his hand through her hair. The soft perfect hair, he would likely never touch again. He kissed her gently on the forehead as the nurse started to say something to him. He thinks she said that he’s really supposed to touch the body, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to scream._

* * *

Suddenly, he opens up his eyes and finds himself in his bedroom. His sheets are soaked with sweat and pillow is soaked with tears.  
  
Sean slams the door open and runs into the room, “Why are you screaming, Dad,” he says a little concerned.  
  
Danny sits up and wonders if that was all a crazy dream, a nightmare. Then he reaches over and feels to bed next him, where Linda slept and it was cold.  
  
It was a nightmare; one that he would never truly wake up from. He bolts from his bedroom and runs down the stairs and out the front door but not before opening the safe in the hall closet, not even bothering to get dressed out of his pajamas. Sean watched in horror when he realized that his dad took his gun.


	2. Chapter 2

_Sean’s Point of View_

Sean frantically calls his Grandpa, with his phone, but he didn’t pick up. Then he goes to another speed dial, Maria. “Please pick up, please pick up,” Sean whispers feeling really scared.

“Hello,” Maria says half-asleep. “Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?”

“It’s me, Sean. My dad, he left, he has his gun,” Sean stumbles out some words that didn’t make much sense.

“What are you talking about, Sean,” Maria says with new found energy like she just jumped out of bed? Sean told her what happened. He didn’t know what to do. 

“Did he take his car or go for a walk,” Maria asked.

“I don’t know,” Sean said. “I didn’t look.” Sean comes back to the phone and says, “His car is gone.”

“Great,” Maria thinks. “He could be anywhere!” Maria gets back on the phone with Sean and tells him that she is coming over and tries to assure Sean that they will find his dad…alive, she hoped.

Sean starts pacing around the living and jumps when his phone rings. “Grandpa, Thank God,” he thinks as he picks up. He quickly tells Frank everything that he just told Maria. He’s more worried with every passing minute. “I’ll find him,” Frank tells him and hangs up.

Sean doesn’t know what to do. He can’t go back to sleep. He saunters into the kitchen and opens all the cupboards and the refrigerator and just stares blankly at nothing. His gaze stopped at the picture of his parents on the wall next the fridge. “Mom, dad needs you right now. If anyone can get through to him, you can,” Sean says feeling so alone. “I wish you were here,” Sean says letting a few rogue tears go. 

His dad always kept a stash of unhealthy things somewhere in the kitchen but would probably be mad if he broke into them. He didn’t care at this point if he was mad, as long as he came home. He sat down at the table with a bag of chips and chocolate.

“Jack. I need my brother,” he thought to himself because no one else was there. He was feeling so lonely. He hadn’t felt this scared in, ever. He picked up his phone and dialed the number he knew by heart. 

“Sean! What the heck? Why are you calling me this early,” Jack said sounding very annoyed?

“Jack, it is dad. I don’t know what to do,” Sean told him and explained the events of the night.

Jack sounded shaken by the news and tried his best to comfort his little brother.

“Maria’s here,” Sean said looking out the window. “I’m gonna go. Maybe she heard from dad.”

“Call me when you know something, alright,” Jack says to his frightened little brother.

Sean opened the door when he saw Maria come across the lawn and collapsed in her arms. 

“Let’s go inside,” she said to Sean.

_Franks Point of View_

Frank wakes up in a panic and looks around to see why. His phone was blinking. He had a missed call from Sean. That’s strange, he thinks to himself. Why would Sean be calling him in the middle of the night? Feeling anxious, he calls him back and after Sean answers and explains what’s going on, he says to Sean says, “I’ll find him.” “Alive, he hopes,” he added after he hung up. “I can’t lose another son,” he says to his wife’s picture on the dresser. “I just can’t.”

Frank regains his composure and calls his detail. He was trying unsuccessfully to be quiet and not wake up his dad.

“What’s going on, Francis,” Pops says a little worried. “Just pray. Just pray. I’ll explain when I get back.”

Frank’s detail asks him where they should go and at first he thought maybe the cemetery. Then, he thought, “No, Danny wouldn’t go there. He wouldn’t take his life at Linda’s grave. He wouldn’t want Linda to see that.” Frank took a shattered breath envisioning his son out in the city somewhere, cold and all alone. “Where to boss,” his driver said?

“I know where he’d go. Step on it, but no lights or sirens after we cross the bridge into Stanton Island,” Frank told his driver.

His driver parked the vehicle after an uneventful drive and Frank walked slowly across the park a few blocks from Linda’s childhood home and about 4.5 miles from the home they shared together. He gasped and let the breath he had been holding in release, when he saw Danny sitting on a swing on the south end of the park talking on the phone, his gun on the ground beneath him.

“How did you know I would be here,” Danny says to his dad without looking up?

“I used to be a Detective, remember,” Frank replied and continued, “When your mom and I were dating, there was a park bench that your mom and I would go to often on dates or just to talk. In the darkest days of her cancer and after she died, I would go there and somehow I felt her presence there.”

Danny looked up at him without really saying anything. “I knew you’d be here,” Frank said to him trying not to let Danny know he wanted to cry. “Who were you talking to when I walked up,” Frank asked?

“Doc,” Danny answered with emotion in his voice.

“I’m going to walk towards you and I’m going to pick up your gun. Okay?” Danny nodded. “Were you going to use this,” Frank asked after he secured the weapon?

“If Doc hadn’t answered the phone, I don’t think I would be breathing right now,” Danny says scared to admit that out loud. “I can’t make the nightmares stop. If it’s not flashbacks from Fallujah; it’s flashbacks to the day Linda died or her funeral or something else.” Danny stops talking because the lump in his throat is too big. Danny doesn’t want to cry anymore. He doesn’t want to hurt anymore. He doesn’t want to live without Linda anymore. He misses her. “I need help, Dad.”

“I can get you help,” Frank says. “I’m proud of you for seeing that and calling Doc.”

“Your kind of help is taking my gun,” Danny says but he doesn’t try to fight it.

“Yes. You’re on desk duty until you meet with the Doc and he clears you for full duty,” Frank says. “I can’t have you on the streets putting your partner at risk, or yourself.”

“Copy that, boss,” Danny says. “I would never put my partner’s life at risk,” Danny added with a glisten in his eyes.

“Let’s go home,” Frank says hoping Danny will agree. Danny not mentioning the danger to himself did not go unnoticed. After getting Danny to give up his keys, he gave them to a member of his detail to follow them home. He wanted Danny to ride with him. The short drive to Danny’s house was silent and heavy until Frank broke the silence and says, “I can’t bury another son, Danny. Promise me that you will call me or Doc the next time you feel this way _before_ it gets this bad.”

Danny looks out the window, ashamed of how selfish was thinking, “I promise,” he chokes out.


	3. Chapter 3

_Danny’s Point of View_

Danny runs out of the house and drives the car down the street. He stops at the end of the block and takes a deep breath. He can’t see through the tears in the eyes. Why are the nightmares back? Where did hope go? He was doing so well. He drives mindlessly for several miles and stops in front of a familiar park. He loved this park. Him and Linda would walk here and sit for hours. Sometimes, they would stay until way past curfew just sharing their hopes, dreams, future plans, etc. They didn’t have any more future plans. She was gone. He smiled a little when he remembered one time when he got home late and his mom was pretty upset. I suppose his mom thought they were doing something naughty, but they weren’t. Promise! Linda made a promise to her Grandma just before she died that she would save herself for marriage and Danny knew and respected that. He heard his mom tell his dad that night, “My boy’s in love. Danny is going to marry that girl.” How right she was.

Danny felt the cold, winter, December air for the first time as he got out of the car. A few inches of snow had fell during the night, so it was wet and icy out. He ran out so fast that he didn’t grab his coat. He knew he had his gun though. He called Doc, as he wandered across the snow covered park and hoped beyond hope that his therapist answered the phone. Doc told him that he would always answer, but it’s in the middle of the night; early morning, actually?

“Danny! What’s wrong,” Doc says to Danny?

“Why do you assume something is wrong,” Danny says wondering if he should just hang up.

“Because no one calls me this early in the morning, unless something is wrong. Talk to me,” Doc says tenderly.

“Doc, I can’t make them stop. The nightmares are too much,” Danny says struggling to get the words out as tears filled his eyes.

“Where are you,” Doc says trying not to show his panic? “Are you in the car,” Doc asks?

“No, I’m on a swing,” Danny says quietly looking at his gun on the ground.

“Okay, listen to me and breathe. You can get through this. Talk to me about that you feeling,” Doc says.

“Feeling? How do you think I’m feeling? I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m losing the hope I thought I had. I’m scared that I’m going to,” Danny let his voice trail off.

“You’re going to what? Do you have your gun with you,” Doc asked really starting to get concerned? When Danny didn’t answer, he asked again, “Do you have your weapon with you right now?”

“Yes,” Danny says feeling scared. 

Doc gave him some breathing exercises to calm his panic attacks and hoped the words he was saying would keep his patient and friend from doing something that he couldn’t undo.

“My dad just pulled up with his detail,” Danny tells Doc.

Doc breathed a small shy of relief. He was pretty sure Danny wouldn’t take his life in front of his dad; pretty sure.

Danny hung with Doc, even though Doc told him to stay on the phone and said to his dad, “How did you know I would be here?”

_Maria’s Point of View_

Maria drove as quickly as she could to Danny’s house. Sean needed someone to be there with him, whatever the outcome of tonight was. She went through the whole day in her mind and the weeks before, trying to find something, anything that could have alerted her to this. Her brain was empty though. Danny was doing great. He and Melanie appeared to be in a positive place, even though Danny said they were taking things super slow. He didn’t want any regrets, he had told her.

Maria pulled up to Danny’s house and jumped out of the car, almost forgetting to put it in park. Sean opened the door when he saw her and collapsed in her arms. “Let’s go inside,” she said to Sean. “Have you heard from your dad?”

“No. I haven’t heard from anyone. I called Jack and that helped but now he’s worried too,” Sean said clearly shaking.

“I don’t understand, Maria. He was talking just yesterday about his plans with Melanie. He was going to go with her and her family to go camping. He was in a good place. He was excited about the trip,” Sean told Maria.

That did make Maria feel a little bit better. If Danny had something to look forward to then maybe his dad could use that.

“I hate grief, Maria,” Sean said struggling not to cry. “It doesn’t make any sense. Isn’t hope supposed to be permanent?”

Maria tried to think of something helpful to say because she knew that grief was a cycle and often a nasty one.   
Maria finds the words and says, “Sean, think of your life like a box and inside that box are two round balls. One smaller ball is you, or in this case Danny, and there’s another ball that’s really big and scary. That ball is what triggers your grief. When your grief is new, you hit those triggers often because the ball is so big but as time goes on, the grief ball shrinks. It never completely goes away. You just keep bouncing around inside your box and you hit it less and less. We just need to help him recognize the triggers and be here when he needs us.” Her mind briefly drifts to the memory of when her brother died and Danny helped her get through that. “Does that make sense, Maria continued?”

“I guess so. I know I still cry when I think of certain things and see certain things that remind me of mom, but not every time,” Sean says confidently. “I hope that Grandpa finds my dad soon.”

“I do too,” Maria says hopefully. “Alive,” she thinks to herself but Sean seemed to read her mind because he responded with, “and alive.”

“Should someone call Melanie to let her know what’s going on,” Sean asked not wanting to be the one chosen?

“We will let Danny do that when he gets home,” Maria says hoping that he does.

Suddenly, Sean’s phone rings. It’s his Grandpa. “I found your dad and we are on the way back to your house. He’s okay,” Frank tells him.” Sean thanks his Grandpa for finding him and burrows his head in pillow on the couch. He’s feeling really tired but he can’t sleep. He needs to see his dad, know he’s okay.


	4. Chapter 4

Danny walks into his house behind his father and scoops up his son. They hug and Sean just holds on to his dad not wanting to let go.

“I love you, dad,” Sean says with a tinge of anger, but also sadness, in this voice. “How could you do that to me? I can’t lose you too. Next time you have a nightmare or something happens, just stay. I’ll listen.”

Danny was really sorry that he had put everyone through such a stress-filled night. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Danny said vowing to Sean that he would never put his family through this again. He was ready to take therapy seriously and find hope again and keep it this time. 

Maria was noticeably upset and pushed Danny into the kitchen. She looked away from him trying to hide the tears in her eyes. She stood silent, not wanting to say anything until she could regain composure. She wanted to be strong for Danny but she didn’t really know what he needed. She just knew that he didn’t need to see her cry. She sniffles softly.

“Maria,” Danny says to her quietly going to gently put his hand on her, with a question in his voice? 

“Shut up, Danny,” she says punching him in the shoulder. “Why didn’t you talk to me at work today if you were really struggling? Instead, you go and do this!” Maria stops trying to stop the tears. “You’re the best partner, I’ve ever had. I thought we were friends too.”

“We are,” Danny says a little surprised by her angry reaction.

“It’s my job to have your back. I feel like I failed to do that,” Maria said to him.

“You didn’t fail. I did,” Danny said hoping she would forgive him. He knew he really messed up.

“Promise me, Danny. Look at me and promise that you won’t ever do this again. Don’t ever put me in a position again where I can’t save your life. That’s my job,” Maria said as Danny drew her into a hug. He hated to see her cry, especially when he knew it was his fault.

“I promise. Thank you for having my six, like you always do,” Danny said with a half-smile. It took everything in him not to cry too.

The partners turned to walk back into the living room and Frank was smiling, standing in the entryway.

“Hi Commissioner,” Maria said not sure of the proper procedures right now.

“Just Frank today, Maria. Thank you for having my son’s back every day,” Frank said to her grinning. Frank was very pleased that his son has such a spectacular partner. She was just what he needed at work to him grounded and out of trouble. Well, out of trouble that he didn’t create himself. “Danny is going to be on desk duty for at least week, so you will have a new temporary partner tomorrow. I’m banging you in off work for the day.”

Maria heard and understood. She knew Danny hated desk duty but she also knew that Danny could do more work on desk duty than some Detectives did on full duty. “Thank you, Commissioner or, I mean, Frank,” Maria calmly said.

Danny leans against the wall and slides down until he knees are in his chest. “Linda, I love you.” He looks out the window and sees the sunlight starting to shine in through the dark curtains. “I love you most.” His family is in the living room; he wasn’t alone, he thought to himself. He notices his partner smiling at some pictures around the living room. He believed her when she said that she would always have his back and he would always have hers. He will get through this, he has too. Doc told him to make a list of his blessings; the reasons that he had to live and keep the list in his pocket, so he could reference it whenever he felt a trigger coming on. As he looked around the room again, he realized that many of his blessings were right there in the room.

In the room, Sean was talking to Jack on the phone letting him know that their dad was okay and planning to meet for breakfast. Danny had given Sean permission to miss school for that day. They needed a family day.

He sees more bright white snow coming down and marvels at the simple beauty of it. Danny sent a quick text to Doc to inform him that he was home safe and to schedule an appointment for him to come in later in the evening. He also sent a quick text to Melanie saying that he was okay but they should talk later.

“What should we do today, Sean,” Danny asked him?

“We could go to the zoo? Mom always loved that and I think it would be fun,” Sean said really happy to have his dad home.

Danny smiled and said, “Sounds good.”

Frank was on the phone telling Pops that he was coming home and that he could explain everything when he got there.

Danny said goodbye to Frank and Maria and shut the door. He sent Sean upstairs to get dressed, and then he did the same, but not before walking into the kitchen. “I sure do love our son,” he says to the picture of him and Linda next to the fridge. “He’s a good kid.”

He looked around at all the still open cupboards and yelled up the stairs with a laugh, “Sean, did you eat my chocolate bars?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've put Danny through the ringer so far, but this chapter is much more friendly to him.

Danny decided to sit in the car and wait for Sean to be ready. Doc responded to his text while he was sitting there confirming a 5pm appointment was available. It was still snowing. He wondered if it would ever stop snowing. He liked the idea of white Christmas but hated snow, especially driving in it. He closed his eyes while he waited for Sean, hoping that he would hurry up. He didn’t get much sleep last night and he was quite hungry.

* * *

_*Knock, knock, knock*_

_“Did he hear knocking,” he thought to himself looking around quite confused?_

_“Melanie,” he said sleepily. “What are you doing in my bedroom?”_

_“You’re in your car, silly,” Melanie says to him. “Can I join you?”_

_“I’m glad you’re here. I need to talk to you about some things,” Danny said still not quite awake._

_“First, things first,” she says as she climbs in the passenger. “Are these windows tinted?_

_“What,” Danny says feeling confused. How tired was he? “No, Melanie. I really need to tell you what’s going on with me, first.”_

_As she leaned over to give him a give him a kiss, the radio in the car turned on seemingly by itself. Now, Danny is really confused._

* * *

Danny closed his eyes and opened them suddenly looking confused. Why was he in his car? He was alone and he could hear a ringing in his ears. Jolted awake, he realizes that his phone is ringing. He grabs his phone from the center console and smiles when he sees the caller ID. Thinking, “What the Hell? But he has to admit that was a better dream than the last one he had. He answers the phone trying his best to sound awake and alert.

“Hey Danny. Is everything okay? I got a text from you a few hours ago and you said ‘you were ok’? When were you not okay? What’s going on?”

“We need to talk. “ He looks at the clock and realizes that two hours have passed since he walked outside and sat in the car. “Apparently, I’ve been sitting in my car asleep for almost two hours,” Danny says. ‘Where was Sean,’ he suddenly thought?

“I was going to go to breakfast with Sean but I think he stood me up. It was a long night,” Danny says going on to explain all the events of the night, still not completely sure if he was actually awake.

“Oh my gosh, Danny,” Melanie says struggling to hide the fear in her voice! “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I’m sorry. I really screwed up last night, or early this morning really. Do you want to meet somewhere for dinner later,” Danny asks seriously hoping she isn’t going to use this as an excuse to run? He wouldn’t really blame her if she did.

“Get some sleep and I’ll call after you spend time with your son,” Melanie says than adds, “We’re still good. I’m not going anywhere.”

Danny hangs up, turns the car off and goes back inside the house to look for Sean. He looks in the living room and kitchen and he wasn’t there. Heading up the stairs, he could hear the sound he had heard for dozens of years. Sean was snoring loudly in his room sitting at his desk. He turned off Sean’s light and shut the door to his room. It’s been a long night. Sleep is a good place to start.

He saunters off to his room, smiles at the wedding picture on his dresser and opens his journal to start the homework assignment from his Doc: make a list of reasons to live. He stared at the blank page. “Number 1,” he wrote. This was harder than he thought it would be. Emotions began to rise to the surface. He knew the surface reasons; family and friends need me, but Doc always “wanted more.” He looked back at the words on the page, “Number 1:” and added “I never want to hurt my family again.” Hopefully, Doc likes that one. He closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.

Another hour passed before he woke up again to Sean standing in the doorway.

“Morning, dad,” Sean says surprisingly awake. “Sorry, I went outside to join you in the car but you were asleep. I knocked on the window but you didn’t respond,” Sean goes on to say. “I was worried but you were breathing so I went back inside. I guess I feel asleep too.”

Danny hates himself a little inside that Sean would ever have that worry. Never again! “I’m truly sorry, Sean,” Danny says feeling defeated.

“The zoo, huh,” Danny says to Sean. “Is that still what you want to do today?”

“Let’s get Brunch. I’m starving,” Sean answered.

“Good idea. I know just the place,” Danny says determined to make today a great day.

So, they drive to a small Diner on the island and order some pancakes, eggs, hash browns, and bacon. “Bacon makes everything better,” Danny smiles and says to himself. He looks over at Sean who is not really eating, but more moving the food around the plate. “Your mom and I used to come here some mornings when you boys were in school and we both had the morning off,” he tells Sean hoping to break the silence. “They have the best pancakes in town. Your mom always got them with blueberries and ice cream on top. She had a sweet tooth. Personally, I prefer them with maple syrup and butter. Just like God intended.” Danny smiles and laughs thinking about all times him and Linda had been there. Good memories. That’s what was going to get him through each day.

“They are really good, dad. Thanks for Brunch,” Sean says with a smile on his face. 

“You’re welcome,” Danny replies. They continue to talk about Linda and school and whatever else Sean wanted to talk about.

“Dad, this has been good. I’m glad we did this,” Sean says after the waitress brought the check.

“I am too,” Danny says as he stands up from the booth they were sitting in. “I am too.” Danny pays the check at the counter and turns towards to door. Sean is already a few steps ahead through the door waiting for him. Danny looks at the wallpaper picture on his phone briefly and says, “I love you, Linda.” He sighs deeply and says, “I love you most.”

“So, what’s next,” Danny says catching up to Sean? 

There was a bowling alley next to the Diner, so Sean decided it would fun to beat his dad at bowling. Danny agreed but he had a feeling that he would be really sore the next day. The spent the next few hours knocking down pins over and over. It was quite cathartic. They each won a game, but it wasn’t really about winning or the game. It was important, especially to Danny, that they spent this time together. He could hear his Priest in his mind, “You get your strength from your family” or “Linda has hope. Draw from hers.” He did not deserve his family after what he put them through, but they were always there.

On the way back to their house, Danny’s phone rings and he puts it on speaker since he was driving. “Hey! We still on for dinner,” he heard Melanie say? 

“Yup. I have a meeting at five. Come by the house around 6:30 and I’ll cook for us,” he smiled as he said “and Sean is here in the car,” he added.

“Hi Sean.” “You are going to cook for us,” Melanie questions.

“Hey. I’m getting better in the kitchen,” he said trying to act offended but really wasn’t. “I’ll order pizza,” he suggested.

“See you then,” Melanie said breathing a little lighter than she had been all day.

_Melanie’s Point of View_

Melanie hears her phone alarm blaring on the nightstand. She reaches over to hit the snooze button and notices that she missed a text from Danny. ‘I’m okay! Talk later?’ Is that what it says? Huh? What did that mean, she thought to herself? Since she was awake now, she got up and ready for the day since it was a work day. The whole time she’s making breakfast, her mind kept going back to that text. Something just seemed off about it. 

She picked up her phone and pushed his name on her screen, when he picked up, she said, “Is everything okay?” She was definitely concerned and got even more concerned as she listened to him tell the details of the morning. ‘Oh, my gosh,’ she just kept thinking. She wasn’t mad at him. She was scared for him.

“So, you got fired,” she says a little confused about what’s going on.

“No, the Commissioner took my gun and I gave him my shield until I get my head on straight. I’m on desk duty,” she heard Danny say.

“Your dad took your gun,” she asks.

“Nope, he was in full Commissioner mode when he took it,” Danny said to her, who realizes that was a distinction without much of a difference.

She assured him that she wasn’t going anywhere and hang up.

She wanted to cry the whole way to work. How could she have missed the warning signs? She’s glad that she works with kids so she could mostly hide from her feelings. As a Kindergarten teacher, you don’t get many breaks to sit and think. Her co-workers noticed. “What’s going on with you, Melanie,” her co-teacher asks after the students leave for the day? "You seem really distracted."

“My boyfriend is in some kind of trouble,” she said.

“You mean the ‘boy-friend,’ who you weren’t dating, but now you are, sort of,” her co-teacher says teasing her.

“He’s a widower. Give him a break,” she replies back. She couldn’t help but be really worried for him and wonder if he would ever really be able to have a normal relationship again.

They get the classroom cleaned up and she calls Danny on her way out the door.

“Hey, we will still on for dinner,” she asked when he answered? She really needed to see him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if anyone is reading this story, but it's been fun to write after the kids go to bed. I should be folding laundry but this is much more interesting.


	6. Chapter 6

Danny doesn’t know why but he is running around the house cleaning. It’s not like Melanie cares if the house is a mess. I suppose it’s because that’s what his mom used to always do when they were kids. Whenever they had company coming, she would hammer them to clean up the house. “This house needs to be company clean right now,” he remembered her saying. Linda was that way too. Oh, how much he missed them. He probably also wanted to rid of some of the negative energy that still lingered in the house.

Sean has been upstairs in his room since they returned from bowling. He has only come downstairs once or twice to get a snack from the kitchen or to ask Danny a simple question. He, on the other hand, has been out of the house several times since getting home from bowling. Particularly, he had the appointment with Doc at 5pm. He couldn’t miss that if he wanted to get back to working full duty ever again. His Doc was smart and could pretty easily tell if he was BS-ing him just to pass, so it was wise of him to be honest. Honest with Doc usually meant hard talks about things he didn’t want to talk about and tears he didn’t want to cry.

* * *

> __
> 
> __
> 
> “Were you going to use the gun,” he remembers Doc asking him? At first, he said that he wasn’t but Doc saw right through the lie. Doc made him retell the whole dream in detail. 
> 
> Doc said, “You have to work through the painful memory so you can get through it,” or some crud like that. 
> 
> Why couldn’t he just forget it? Because that wasn’t going to happen, that’s why. Stupid questions! 
> 
> “How are you feeling about that today?” 
> 
> “It sucks, Doc but at least today I don’t want to kill myself. 
> 
> “Can I get back to work now?” 
> 
> _“Um, no. We need a few more sessions before I sign off on you getting your weapon back.”_

* * *

Danny always knew he was extra stressed when he started having conversations with himself. When he started answering his own questions, he knew he had to sit down or do something, probably another reason he was cleaning. Doc wanted him to find his triggers. 

“Maybe that was it? Maybe my internal dialogue is a clue to an oncoming flashback.” 

“Ugh! I’m doing it again,” he thought. “Get it together, Reagan!”

After Danny cleaned off the kitchen counters, swept the floor, emptied and filled the dishwasher and washed the dishes that didn’t fit, cleared the dining room table and vacuumed the living room, exhaustion took over and he fell into the couch. He sat for a minute then got back up to turn on the scented candle plugged into the wall. Why was he so nervous? ‘Danny, get it together’, he thought again.

Taking a deep breath, he picked up the notebook on the corner table. His Doc gave him homework again. He hadn’t even finished the last homework yet. “Think of at least two names, non-same household, same gender as me, and ask them if I can call them if I ever feel again like I did last night” – that’s the assignment. Of course, Doc reassured him that he was always available but he needed backup people, just in case Doc couldn’t answer. As he sits, he hears the clock behind him chime – ‘clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang – 6 times. Melanie would be over in around 30 minutes. He smiled really big thinking about that. She made him pretty happy. She was always early to wherever she going, so he put his notebook down. He will get back to that later because he had to order the pizza, so it would be here when she got here.

As he is putting in the order for delivery, he picks up the picture of him and Linda from the corner table. Senior Prom! “She sure was beautiful in that dress,” he thinks. 

“Sir, sir. Mr. Reagan,” he hears someone saying? He was brought back to the present by the pizza man on the phone, pays for the order and hangs up.

He goes back to pacing around the room and into the kitchen to grab him something to drink.

*Ding, Dong* The doorbell rings, so he opens the door with a big smile and a hug. He is so happy to see her.

“Well, someone sure is in a good mood,” Melanie says. “So, did you cook something or order pizza,” she said pretending to be acting nervous.

“Very funny! I ordered pizza,” he laughs and continues to say, “You know, I can make some mean chicken cutlets, as long as I don’t burn them.” “I also can make a linguini pasta dish with tomato sauce that my dad and Grandpa taught me when I was just a young lad,” he said confidently.

“I bet it’s delicious,” she said grinning.

“I guess you’ll never know,” Danny said mischievously.

Danny went back into the kitchen to grab some drinks for him and Melanie and she followed him in. Danny then heard the sound of Sean jumping down the stairs and then the front door opens again. “Dad, I think the pizza is here,” Sean yelled across the house. 

“Good. Give him the money on the bench. That’s his tip,” Danny yelled back to Sean.

“Thank you,” Danny heard Sean say to the pizza delivery man. “Can I have a slice, dad,” Sean asks Danny hopefully?

“Yes, I bought enough for all three of us,” Danny replied with a smirk. Sean waves to Melanie.

Sean told his dad thank you, grabbed a slice or two and went back upstairs. “I’d stay down here, but,” Sean said with his voice trailing off. Sean liked the idea of his dad dating again if it made his dad happy, but he didn’t want to know or see the details.

“Bye, Sean,” Danny said emphatically.

Danny and Melanie took their pizza to the couch to enjoy some pizza and good company. At some point, Melanie walked over to the cabinet next to the tv and pulled out the Scrabble Board.

“I’ll warn you. I’m suspiciously good at that game. I’m not a college graduate like you but I’ve been known to clean house at Scrabble,” Danny says with all the confidence he could allude.

“You’re on,” Melanie retorts back.

They open up the game and hand out the required letters.

“So, how was work today,” Danny inquires as he plays a word with a Double Letter tile?

“Five and six year olds! Today, we learned about the letter ‘D’. If I hear the song, “D is for dog. D is for dinosaur” one more time, it will be too soon. We also used paint and glue today, so I think that explains itself,” Melanie tells Danny.  
She loved her job. There is just something about seeing a little child’s eyes light up when they learn something they didn’t know before. When a concept becomes clear and understandable, it just makes her feel like she is accomplishing something.

“Sounds like chaos,” Danny says laughing at the image.

“Fun chaos,” Melanie responds as she plays another word. “I can’t believe you are beating me.”

“I told you, Ms. Harper. I’m going to school you in all things Scrabble,” Danny giggles.

“Is there anything else you want to school me on,” Melanie says as her cheeks get a warm shade of pink? ‘Did you really just say that, Mel,’ she thinks to herself. She doesn’t look up at him.

Danny isn’t quite sure how to respond to that. He tries to focus on anything else in the room except for Melanie, not missing the shade of rosy shade of pink she is turning. “Umm, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that,” Danny says conflicted.

“I’m kidding. Sorry – no pressure, no regrets,” she reminds herself out loud.

“I could see myself,” Danny starts to say.

Melanie interrupts him saying, “In your current mental state, judging by last night, I don’t think it would be a good idea. No regrets, right. That’s what you said.”

Danny ponders inwardly, “It could help his mental state but she’s right. Let’s wait 24 hours post – him having a gun to his head before making that step in the relationship. She was right. She usually was.

Melanie starts to play her next word when she could feel Danny staring at her. She could feel the air get sucked out of the room. She glances around the room and her eyes stop at the picture on the wall of his family. Linda sure did leave a void, she reflects.

Danny breaks the uncomfortable silence and suggests they call the game a draw, sit on the couch and talk. “Just talk, promise,” Danny says unsure of why he deserves her at all. Danny leans against the edge of the couch with his legs in front of him. Melanie sits in front of him leans back against his chest. Something about that just felt comfortable, she couldn’t help but notice.

“I’m sorry if I scared you,” Danny says apprehensively. Danny ran his fingers through her hair trying to give her some sense of comfort.

“I don’t think you really wanted to kill yourself. You just wanted someone to listen,” she says fighting the tears that threatened. “If you did, you would have.” Melanie could feel him shiver when she said that.

Danny couldn’t help but think about the part she doesn’t know; he doesn’t actually know for sure. He shutters to think what could have happened if his Doc hadn’t answered when he did or if his dad hadn’t shown up when he did. He closes his eyes throwing the thoughts away.

Melanie changes the subject quickly to her family’s trip to the cabin on Long Island the coming weekend. “You still are planning to come with us on Friday, right. Can you come Saturday too now that you don’t have to work,” she says?

“Friday, yes, at least as long as your family doesn’t hate me yet.” Melanie turned his head to look at him and roll her eyes and smile a little smile. “I still have to work on Saturday. I’ll just be riding my desk researching old cold cases and filing paperwork though. Fun times. If I really get ambitious I could sharpen some pencils,” he clarified. “I could bang in sick but I’m already on thin ice so I should probably not rock the boat.” 

“My family doesn’t hate you. Actually, my dad hasn’t been able to shut up about you joining us,” Melanie states very matter-of-factly. “He did appear confused and almost disappointed when I asked if we could have the room with the extra bed.

Danny chuckled and said incredulously, “You know, your dad is definitely the first father of a girl I’m dating who seems to be disappointed that I’m not sleeping with his daughter.”

“I guess he likes you,” she said looking back at him.

“That would also be a first,” Danny said with his thoughts wandering to Linda. Her dad hated Danny.

“Linda’s dad didn’t like you,” Melanie asks cautiously. She was instantly concerned that mentioning Linda might cause him to get upset.

Danny felt a sense of caution surround him and said, “Oh Hell no. He hated everything about my very existence. I was ‘ruining’ his baby.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” she said feeling less concerned when he saw him smile.

“He hated everything about me, law enforcement and the military and if you know anything about my family of origin, it’s kind of who we are,” Danny says with a tentative grin. “He refused to give me his blessing to ask her to marry me when I asked him and almost didn’t come to our wedding because of it,” Danny added. “Her mom was the voice of reason in the family. She tolerated me and came around eventually, but I had to prove myself over and over with her,” Danny continued. “Her dad still hates me.”

“But you asked anyway,” Melanie said.

“Obviously. Best decision of my life,” Danny said cheerfully.

Melanie smiles sleepily. Melanie tells Danny that she should probably go soon. Danny sighed and said, “Should I have not said that?” He gently lets go of the hold he had around her.

“No. No, it’s not that at all. Trust me; I’m under no illusion that I’m your only love.”

Danny holds her strongly again and says, “Then why do you want to go,” really hoping he didn’t mess something up?

“Because we both know that me staying too late is not a good idea,” Melanie said decidedly as she got off the couch and grabbed her coat. “No regrets, right. I’m giving you all the time and space you need.”

“No regrets. Yup, no regrets. The last thing I want to do is hurt you,” Danny said as he followed her to the door.

Danny opened the front door and smiled at her. He stared straight into her eyes, and then pulled down her winter hat over her eyes and kissed her, but not before asking permission. “You know you don’t have to ask permission every time you want to kiss me,” Melanie said as turned to walk to her car.

“Yes, I do,” He says quietly as he leans up against the door frame. He’s standing there watching her drive away as a single tear runs down his face. Why does he feel guilty suddenly? He had to get his head together before he messed up the best thing in his life right now.

Sean steps out of his room as Melanie is leaving. He watches his dad for a moment. “I sure hope Melanie can help my dad love again,” he thinks to himself. He watched his dad close the door and saw him smile. He liked to see his dad smile.

“There’s more pizza if you want some, Sean,” Danny says up the stairs. “I think I’m going to get ready for bed after I clean up.”

Sean didn’t realize that his dad knew he was there. “Goodnight! I love you dad,” Sean said down to his dad but not quite sure if he heard him.

“I love you too, Sean,” Danny called back up the stairs. Danny cleaned up the house again reminiscing about the evening in his head.


	7. Chapter 7

The next days at work drug on like a slow drip. Danny tried to focus on getting stuff done because he knew that was the only way he was going to get the job he loved back. He, at least, had Friday to look forward too. While Maria was off busy solving cases with her new partner, he was stuck at his desk.

Maria barely talked to him when she came into the Squad each morning. He could tell she was still a little mad at him. He didn’t deserve instant forgiveness after what he did to her.

“Maria, are you ignore me forever now,” Danny said looking at her apologetically?

“No, I forgive you. I just want to make you suffer for a few days,” Maria said somewhat sadly.

“Well, I don’t like this, so can you stop, please. I need my partner and friend back,” Danny definitely sounding very sorry.

“Ok. But don’t forget, you promised, never again,” Maria responded back after a couple of shaking breathes.

Danny promised her again and they got back to work. He missed being out on the streets but he could at least help Maria with the mundane parts of the Detective work.

“Thanks, partner. You may just help me crack this case yet,” Maria said with a smile as she left to meet with someone with information about her case. Her temporary partner was nice, but she missed working with Danny. 

* * *

Friday finally came and he hopped out of bed excitedly. He could barely sleep the night before because he was so nervous excited about spending the evening with Melanie’s family. He didn’t have a good track record with families. ‘Melanie says that her dad liked me,’ Danny remembers. ‘He must be insane. That‘s the only way that makes sense.’ Danny laughs to himself as he looks in the mirror. His reflection said that he was happy. He had forgotten what that looked like. He picked up the red, diamond covered box on his dresser. Inside the box were his and Linda’s wedding rings. He took Linda’s out and rolled it around in the palm of his hand. “I love you, always will.” Danny gently puts it back into the box and starts to walk out of the bedroom. At top of the stairs, he pauses briefly says, “I still love you most.”

He notices Sean downstairs running out the door with breakfast in his hand. Danny knew he was responsible, but getting to school on time was not his strong suit. He made breakfast for himself and planned to leave the house. He had to meet Melanie and her family at her dad’s house around noon. They were going to drive together to Long Island from there and Danny was going to follow behind, since he had to leave before lunch on Saturday. He thought again that he could get out of work, but reminded himself that he needed to keep his job.

* * *

The drive to the city and Montauk were pretty uneventful. Melanie drove over with Danny. Much of the talk on the drive there was about Danny’s taste in Music. Melanie decided that she had to introduce him to some new songs. He had an interesting mixture of rap, boy bands, and classic rock in the car. Eventually, talk got around to the topic of her mom. Danny knew it was a sensitive topic since she died when she was in High School.

“Do you have any tips for me,” Danny said hopefully?

“Tips for what,” Melanie said with a questioning look.

“Sean lost his mom in High School. Both of the boys did actually. Anything anyone said to you that helped,” Danny took a deep breath and continued, “Some days he’s really good. He’s happy and focused, and then other days he’s combative, sad, and just aloof.”

“Huh. Sounds just like someone else I know,” Melanie says looking directly at him.

“I’m serious. How did you feel when your dad starting dating again,” Danny said?

“Hated it! I felt like my mom was being replaced, even though I know now she never could be. I think I just missed my mom and took it out on the unsuspecting new women in my dad’s life. The first girl got really upset whenever my mom’s name was mentioned. She actually asked my dad to take down her pictures around the house. She said it made her feel ‘uncomfortable.’ He didn’t. He basically told her that he wouldn’t and she dumped him for it,” Melanie explained.

Danny exhaled a deep sigh and wanted to close his eyes but then remembered that he was driving. ‘That’s not any good,’ he thought.

“But then my dad met Dana! She was wonderful. She took an interest in my life and my brother and sister’s lives. She actually celebrated my mom. That meant more to me than anything,” Melanie continued to say. “They’ve been married now almost as long as he was married to my mom and she still remembers her birthday or gets my dad an extra rose on Valentine’s Day, little things like that. My mom loved roses.”

“Linda did too,” Danny said trying to fight the tear in his eye so he didn’t crash the car.

“That was her middle name, right,” Melanie says.

“Yeah,” Danny says surprised that she remembered that. Danny smiled and whipped off his cheek.

“Sean ever make you feel unwelcome,” Danny says to her?

Melanie thinks for a moment about the interactions she has had with Sean. There hadn’t been a ton. Sean was always respectful but seemed cautious. She looked out the front window and says, “No…not really. He doesn’t say too much at all. I try to connect, but I get it so I won’t push it until he’s ready.” ‘I have no intention to take anyone’s place,’ Melanie thinks to herself. She smiles at Danny hoping that he understands that he doesn’t have to push Linda out to let her in. She’s good at sharing.

“We are here,” Danny says happy to be getting out of the car. He didn’t enjoy tense conversations but he felt remarkably comfortable with her.

Danny helped unload the cars. He only brought one suitcase because he was only staying one night, but they were staying until Sunday afternoon. They had several suitcases, a cooler for food, some pillows, and few other totes of stuff.

“Danny, do you like steak? The plan is to grill for dinner,” Melanie’s dad says to him.

“In the snow?” “Sounds delicious, sir,” Danny replies with a smile.

“You can call me Steve,” Danny hears him say. “You’re family until my daughter decides that you’re not.” Danny nods. He wasn’t sure how to respond to that. At least he was smiling when he said it.

He stood back and observed her brother, wife and kids arrive and her sister and her husband arrive shortly after. Being a Detective, he honed his skills in observing pretty well. Just watching told him quite a bunch about her family dynamics. Melanie introduced everyone to each other and everyone went inside the cabin.

* * *

When dinner was ready, Danny helped set the table and sat down next to Melanie. He continued to observe the conversation and join in when he felt it was appropriate. He liked her family. It reminded him of his own family around the Sunday dinner table. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they don’t, but they always love each other. The steak was delicious and the potatoes, green beans, and rolls on the side were really good too. It felt good to laugh.

> “So Danny, my daughter tells me that you used to come here when you were younger,” Melanie’s dad inquires.
> 
> “We did. We came here for a weekend or sometimes longer just about every summer. We didn’t come as often after my mom got sick and then when I had a family of my own we would take the boys fishing here,” Danny said in reply.
> 
> “That sounds nice,” Melanie’s sister said. “So, you have many memories here.”
> 
> “Yes, memories all over the place,” Danny said while he glances at Melanie. “Montauk is a beautiful place. We usually just had sub sandwiches on our first evening here, so this is quite good.”
> 
> Her brother then asked, “Do you have kids?” Danny nodded affirmatively and put up two fingers. 
> 
> “Two boys,” Danny said. “One in college and one about to graduate high school,” Danny said looking at Melanie again.

Melanie tries to change the subject. She doubts he wants the conversation to lead to Linda and if she was being really honest, she didn’t really either. She didn’t want to avoid the topic, but she didn’t want it come up either. She liked seeing him with a smile on his face and hearing him laugh. He did have a good laugh.

After dinner, Melanie had dish duty and was joined by her stepmom. 

> “Danny is great,” Dana said grabbing a towel.
> 
> “He is. He really is. Sorry, if it felt like I was trying to change the subject. He doesn’t always like to talk about his family,” Melanie said while washing a plate. 
> 
> Dana looked at her curiously. “He’s a grieving widower” Melanie continues answering the question she didn’t ask. “Sometimes, he’s really good to talk about her and other times I can’t do anything except let him cry.”
> 
> “Sounds like your dad when he first started dating. It took him some time to even admit we were actually dating,” Dana says. Dana looks over to Melanie and notices that she is looking out the window to where Danny was standing. “You just listen when he wants to talk. That’s the best thing you can do.”

Melanie smiles and went back to washing dishes.

Danny found himself out on the porch looking out over the lake. He sure did love it here. He was just waiting for Melanie to be done in the kitchen. He got the feeling that she wanted to wash his dishes with her stepmom.

> “So are you really sleeping on the fold out couch tonight,” Danny hears interrupting from his thoughts.
> 
> “Mr. Harper? I will be. I’m sure it doesn’t make sense but it’s how it has to be,” Danny says still a little confused that he is disappointing that he isn’t sleeping with his daughter. That is certainly a new one.
> 
> “Steve. Believe it or not, I get it completely,” her dad says looking over his shoulder into the kitchen window at Dana. “How long has she been gone,” he quietly adds.
> 
> “Three and a half years,” Danny says still looking out over the lake. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation but he figures it can’t hurt too badly, right. “I miss her every day.”
> 
> “Yup,” her dad definitively. “I miss Sara every day too still, but you learn that it’s okay to live again.” He must have sensed the turmoil because he added, “It does get easier” and he stops to walk back in the house before adding “I’m glad you decided to come. I look forward to getting to know you better.” 
> 
> “Sir, or Steve, the last thing I want is to hurt your daughter, last thing. If that means taking things unbelievably slow to protect her heart and frankly mine, that’s what I’m going to do,” Danny says to him. Melanie's dad smiled and nodded understanding and walked inside.

‘Does it get easier,” he thinks to himself? Danny stood in the cold evening air for another moment pleased that he came and went back inside too. He helped Melanie finish up drying the last few dishes.

“Want to go for a walk around the lake,” Danny asked?

“Okay,” Melanie said but sensing something was wrong, she added, “Everything alright?”

“Perfect and it’s a perfect night for a walk,” Danny said. He figured that her dad meant well. If anyone understood, I suppose, that he did.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'Blockquotes' are flashbacks to memories, hopefully that helps with the reading.  
> I hope you enjoy it.

The snow had started to fall again. There was probably three or four inches of new snow by now covering the sidewalks. The snowflakes in the trees glittered in the moon light. Danny wasn’t a big fan of cold weather, but there was something very peaceful about newly fallen snow. The snow and ice cracked beneath his and Melanie’s feet filling the silence as they walked. 

“Penny for your thoughts,” Melanie says breaking the silence?

“Have you ever stopped to count the stars,” Danny asked contemplatively? He just couldn’t help but think about all the ways that he could really screw this relationship up. He needed to not do that. 

“You can’t see many stars tonight because of the clouds, but I suppose I have,” Melanie says wondering what’s really on his mind. “When I was a kid and, who am I kidding, even as an adult, I like to draw pictures in the stars, sometimes even in the leaves of the trees.”

Danny looks around admiring all the beauty around him. “See those two leaves over there, if you look between them you can see a heart,” Melanie continues. “I know it might sound silly but I like to think my mom speaks to me through nature from time to time, just to let me know that she’s still there.”

Melanie got quiet again and Danny noticed immediately. “I like that. I bet she would really proud of you,” Danny says hoping to offer the right words. “That pine tree, the one at the bottom of staircase in front of the red barn, is probably one of my favorite places here,” Danny adds.

“Why,” Melanie asks?

“You really want to know,” Danny smiles saying.

“I think I do,” Melanie wonders.

“I proposed to Linda under that pine tree,” Danny says with a huge smile.

“I think I want to hear that story,” Melanie says. She loved the smile on his face.

* * *

Danny reminds her that his family would spend time here every summer and “we get sandwiches from a local deli for dinner Friday night and after dinner would do a family game of some sort. Most of the time, my dad picked the game. His favorite was a scavenger hunt. My dad would create these notecards and put them around the cabin and the areas outside. Each card had a both a clue to how to find the next clue and another short sentence giving a clue about the final prize was. There was always a prize at the end, like a small snack or little toy – nothing incredibly fancy.”

Danny smiles as he remembers, “I got together with my dad early in the summer and asked him if I could help with the scavenger hunt and he agreed.” I had had the ring burning a hole in the pocket of my jacket for months, but I just needed the perfect opportunity to give it her. Linda had been coming with us to the cabin for years, so inviting her to come along was not an unusual thing.

* * *

> _“Dad, do you have the cards,” he asked nervously after dinner._
> 
> _“Yes son. Calm down. It’s going to all work out,” Frank says to his over anxious son._
> 
> _“Jamie has already almost ruined it for me. He asked Linda if she would be willing to marry me. Luckily, mom pulled him away before he revealed anything. Remind me why we told him about the plan,” Danny says._
> 
> _“Shush, they’re coming,” Frank says. “Breathe.”_
> 
> _Frank brings his family into the sitting room. Danny is having trouble sitting still. “Okay, we are going to divide into two teams; boys vs girls this time. Mary, Linda, and Erin are on one team and Jamie, Joe, and Pops is on the other. Danny and I will be the judges._
> 
> _“Why aren’t you playing, Danny,” Linda asks him._
> 
> _“Umm, well dad needs me to set up part of the clues” he answers hoping she doesn’t notice him sweating._
> 
> _So, the family is off to find the first clues. Erin and Mary had trouble containing themselves as they figured out each clue. They decided to let Linda read each clue and she if she could try to figure out the final clue and they would figure out where the next clue was._
> 
> _“Cool and smooth, like a Marine” is what the card said. “What does that mean,” Linda commented?_
> 
> _“No clue,” said Mary trying not to smile too big._

* * *

Danny comes back to reality and smiles at Melanie as he remembers the night. "The guys weren’t having much better luck trying to stay focused on the clues. They were too excited about getting to the end." “Anyway, the whole time the boys are just playing along because they have no intention of actually winning and my dad and I are hiding behind a bush that used to be right down there, Danny continues pointing across the field. “I was sweating bullets, pacing back and forth. I remember my dad saying, “Sit down son or she’s going to see you and you will ruin your whole plan.” 

“So, I complied and just waited for what seemed like an eternity.” “Eventually, I see the ladies coming down the stairs and I hear Linda say, “Hey, I see a bag under the tree.” Suddenly my mom and sister disappear behind that barn and Linda is just standing there all alone, by herself. She starts calling for them and they don’t respond. As she starts to open the bag, I come out from behind the bush and, at first; she is unwilling to give up her award. She was quite competitive. She still thought it was ‘just a game.”

* * *

> _“Open it,” Danny says to Linda._
> 
> _“What is going on, Danny,” Linda says a little confused?_
> 
> _“Just open it,” Danny says really nervous. Inside the paper bag was a small black box. She opened the box, and turned around to look at him. Danny was one knee. “Linda, you are the smartest, most beautiful women that I have ever known. You are kind and loving and I don’t spend another moment without you permanently in my life. Will you make me the happiest man on Earth and marry me?”_

* * *

Melanie is smiling super big at this point at the sweetness. “She said ‘yes’ and my family came out from where they were hiding and gave her big hugs and wanted to see the ring,” Danny says continuing the story. “I thought my mom and sister would spoil it for sure the way they were acting and trying insert little extra clues in for Linda,” Danny says remembering it with laughter.

“Awe, Melanie says with a tear on her cheek. “That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, you did good, Reagan. I especially love how much your family was involved.”

“That’s how she wanted it,” Danny tells her with a cheeky grin. “She wanted her proposal to be small, simple and surrounded by family. She didn’t want a big show like on the JumboTron of a Jet’s game, just pure romance. She told me that when she was like 14 and I never forgot it.”

“My ex-husband just looked over the kitchen counter and said, ‘What do you think about getting married? There was no real romance involved” Melanie says.

“Sorry. He sounds like a real winner” Danny says. “You still said, ‘yes.”

“I suppose at the time, I loved him,” Melanie tells him.

Melanie and Danny continued to walk around the lake and talk. Danny felt really happy, probably the happiest he had felt in some time. He actually amazingly got through that story without crying; a point that Melanie also noticed.

I’m really glad you came,” Melanie says.

“I am too,” Danny says back to her. “I really think I need to kiss you right now.”

“That doesn’t sound like a request for permission,” Melanie says with a little giggle.

“Please,” Danny says somewhat mischievously? Once she said it was ok, Danny kissed her under the moonlight with the snow falling gently on their heads. Danny pulled back and smiled at her. He really wanted to never screw this up.

“Thanks,” Danny said with smile. “You are really beautiful tonight.”

“Why do you always have to be such a sweet gentlemen,” Melanie says?

“Trust me. Ask the right people and you’ll find out that I’m really not, always. I try at it,” Danny says with an innocent sounding laugh.

As they walked back up the stairs to the sidewalk leading to the cabin, he hesitated momentarily and looks over to the big pine tree that meant so much to him. There was something about being here that made him feel really at peace. He grabbed Melanie’s hand and they walked together back. He truly doesn’t want to mess friendship this up. 

Back at the cabin, he pulls Melanie into a strong embrace and just held on tight until Melanie’s breathing softened to match his. Her head was resting gently on his chest and it just felt right for a moment. The moonlight was a perfect backdrop. He kissed her softly on her head and says, “I think I love you,” he says quietly almost in a whisper. He didn’t need to hear her say it back because he was pretty sure he already knew. 

Danny felt Melanie shiver in the cold, so he released her from his grasp, grabbed her hand and they walked inside where it was warm. 

“I feel really happy right now,” he thinks to himself. He knew that he needed to jump out of this roller coaster of grief he’s been riding before they both hurt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still trying to figure out a way properly end this story. I agree with my sister though that Danny deserves a happy ending.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure why but I'm not loving this chapter, but I'm my own worst critic. I thought Danny needed some anguish but also some happiness. Definitely on a roller coaster, but don't worry I won't let him fall off.

The pullout couch was just about as comfortable as you can imagine. He found himself awake in the middle of the night. He could hear Melanie snoring in bed on the other side of the room. Sleep was restless and interrupted several times by dreams, nightmares. He felt happy. Why did that make him so guilty? He isn’t going to forget Linda! He can’t. His brain was obviously conflicted. He had nothing to feel guilty about, right?.

He stared at the ceiling trying to stop the thoughts in his head. ‘Find your triggers’ is what the Doc said. He felt like he wanted to get up out of bed and run. Danny took a deep breath and tried to remember all the words Doc had been saying to him.

> _“Linda is happy for you.”_
> 
> _“She’s never coming back.”_
> 
> _“You were Linda’s best friend and she would never want you to be lonely.”_
> 
> _“You have nothing to feel guilty about.”_

The words Danny’s family and friends have said were running around in his head. He had to keep them on the forefront of his mind before he had a panic attack. His family was always so encouraging. They just wanted what was best for him. He wished he knew what that was. Tonight was beautiful walking around the lake with Melanie. The memories were intoxicating though. He tried desperately to get some more sleep but the memories kept him awake.

He got out of bed to splash water on his face. In the bathroom, he felt like he was going to be sick. ‘Breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out,’ he kept repeating to himself until he felt himself start to calm down. He was okay now.

Lying back down on the bed, he breathed in a big shaky breath and closed his eyes, a single tear running down the side of his face, followed by a few more. “I love you. I love you, most,” he whispered.

* * *

Melanie was woken up by Danny tossing and turning. She heard him sniffle and she knew he wasn’t having good sleep. She sat up and asked him if he was ok. When he didn’t immediately respond, she got up and moved towards him. 

“What’s wrong, Danny” she said sympathetically?

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Danny says – his breath still a little shaky. “Dreams, more like nightmares.”

“That’s ok,” she said as she scooted next to him under the covers. “Just talk. I’ll listen.”

“This feels right. Why do I feel so damn guilty about it,” Danny struggled to say?

“How can I help,” she asked? Will it help to tell me about the dream? What happened?”

Danny starts to say taking a breath every few words, “I was at the church, standing with the Priest, in front of Linda’s coffin, the day of her funeral,” He takes a deep breath and continues, “I had never felt so lonely before that moment. I feel like I buried my heart that day.” Danny remembering the dream says, “In the dream, before the Priest closed the casket, Linda opened her eyes and said, ‘It’s okay.”

“Why would she say that,” Danny wondered?

“Maybe, because it’s okay. You won’t listen your family or me or the Doc who have all told you that. Maybe, your heart will listen to Linda say it,” Melanie says rubbing his back trying to comfort him.

“You are way too good to me,” Danny said feeling overwhelmed. “I really don’t deserve you. I feel like whenever I have a really positive day, my mind just tries to sabotage it.

“The second dream I had was the same place, except Linda opened her eyes with tears and said, “Why are you forgetting me,” Danny says shakily? Danny looks at her and puts his head against her head and says, “Why is this so hard? Why can’t I let her go? My subconscious can’t even get itself together.”

Melanie pauses her thoughts and says, “Because you love her. You always will. You’ve loved her for more than half your life. You can’t just give that up quickly. It may take time.”

Danny closed his eyes. He knew she was right, no matter how hard it was to hear. He also knew she wouldn’t wait around forever. He felt himself starting to drift back to sleep.

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep,” Melanie says to him.

“Thanks,” he said, with a small smile, relaxing next to her. 

Melanie waited until his breathing slowed and she knew he was asleep again. She slowly snuck out from underneath him and went back to her bed. Now, she couldn’t sleep. She started staring at the ceiling. After three or four slow deep breathes she cries out quietly because she doesn’t want to wake up Danny, “Linda, if you’re listening, please release the hold you have on him?” She took another breath. “I really like him. I just can’t compete with your memory.” She then fell back asleep.

* * *

When she woke up, she noticed that Danny wasn’t in his bed anymore. In fact, the pull out couch had been put back together and the sheets and blankets were laying there neat and folded. She sat up and started to put her shoes on as he walked in the door, fully dressed for the day. “Your dad is making eggs downstairs,” Danny says to her with a big smile. “Are you hungry?”

“What time is it,” Melanie says looking around? “How late did I sleep in?”

“It’s just before 7am. I didn’t want to wake you up, again,” Danny says to her feeling sorry about last night. “I went downstairs and helped your dad make breakfast. My pancakes are pretty tasty.”

Melanie smiles because she couldn’t help but notice that he was definitely feeling better. His eyes were brighter. He was standing taller. His voice was stronger than it had been last night. She had to admit she was very attracted to him in this moment.

“I will get dressed and join you downstairs,” Melanie says to Danny.

Danny steps out of the room and ran into her Melanie’s brother. He asks where his sister is and Danny lets him know that she is getting dressed.

“and you’re out here, he asked skeptically? 

“Yes, giving her some privacy,” Danny replies trying not to roll his eyes. ‘Seriously,’ he laughs to himself! Why it is such a crazy concept that he wants to respect Melanie and not rush things before they are both ready? Now is definitely not it, closer maybe, but still not it. Geez!

* * *

When Melanie comes out of the room, she peeks over the banister overlooking the eating area. Danny and Melanie’s sister-in-law are laughing about something. She really did love his smile. Melanie can’t help but pause, look up and says, “Thanks.” She doubts her plea is the reason for his sudden happiness but can’t hurt to say thanks.

Melanie gets to the bottom of the stairs and listens in on the conversation happening in the eating area.

“So what’s the secret,” Melanie’s sister-in-law says.

Danny tips his head to the side and says, “The secret about what?”

“The secret to why these pancakes are so good,” she says.

“Oh, ha-ha. You want me to tell my family secret recipe,” Danny says with playful smile?

Melanie’s sister-in-law started to respond to Danny when Melanie stepped into the room and said, “Vanilla. It’s vanilla. You add it to the pancake mix.”

“What,” Danny said trying his hardest to sound mad and disgusted? “How do you know that?”

“Sean told me,” Melanie says laughing and thinking she may have just got Sean in trouble, but probably not. “Do you always carry vanilla around with you?

Danny just shakes his head and laughs. “Nope, just sometimes come prepared.”

Melanie grabs a plate of food and sits down. She knows Danny has to leave after breakfast but she wishes he didn’t.

* * *

Danny joins her and asks, “Why do you look so down? Sorry for waking you up last night. We had such a great night around the lake and then I go and ruin it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. I just wish you didn’t have to leave so soon,” she says in reply.

“I know but if I want to get my gun and shield back I have to stay in good standing with the boss and I can’t miss any appointments with Doc,” Danny says also really wishing he didn’t have to go. 

After eating, Danny packed up his stuff and said goodbye to the family. “It was really nice to meet everyone,” he said to the group. Melanie walked him out to the car and said goodbye with a kiss and a hug. Danny couldn’t help by smile really big and hold on to her a little longer. He was falling desperately in love and for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel totally guilty about it.

Watching Danny drive away, Melanie just couldn’t help but think that she was falling really hard for him. She only hoped that grief stayed away for a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers. I'm not sure how many people are actually reading my story. I love reading the comments, so leave one if you can.  
> I'm open to suggestions on how where the story should go, if you want to share.


	10. Chapter 10

The drive into the city was pretty uneventful. Danny pulled in front of the Precinct and waited in the car for a few minutes before going in. He needed to mentally prepare himself for a day of paperwork, watching surveillance videos, researching cold cases and other really interesting things that Maria and his boss were going to ask him to assist with. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand desk duty. He just kept reminding himself that it why he was doing it. He had to meet with Doc before coming in to, so he had to process that too.

* * *

> _“How are you feeling, Danny,” Doc said when he arrived? He hated that question! He shared with Doc all the happenings of the week, including Friday night with Melanie._
> 
> _“Who’ve had good days before and had memories before. What is different now,” Doc asked him? Why do you think you are reacting so extremely to them now?_  
>    
>  _“I didn’t have anything to feel guilty about before,” Danny remembers Doc saying._  
>    
>  _“You don’t have anything to feel guilty about now,” He remembers Doc saying._  
>    
>  _“Tell me Danny how do you see your future,” a tough question he remembers Doc asking him._  
>    
>  _“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I want to have one though,” He answered_  
>    
>  _“Pretty sure,” Danny remembers Doc asking? Danny smiled at that question. Doc could always see when Danny was not going as deep as he could be. Danny could not get away with any bs-ing with him. Danny was confident that he didn’t know what they future holds but that he wanted to see hope there._

* * *

He looked happily at Linda’s picture on his phone and walked into the Squad. 

He smiled at the several, “Hey Reagan” that he heard while walking towards his desk. Maria looked up from her work and greeted him.

“Hey Partner,” Maria said. “How was your trip?”

“Wonderful,” Danny said and told her all about the walk around the lake and how comfortable he felt. He didn’t tell her about the breakdown overnight. He figured that would give her undue concern. “It was so good, Maria.” “Where is your new partner today?”

“I’m not sure,” Maria said looking around the squad expecting him to walk in at any moment. “Boss said to come in to the Squad first thing this morning.” Maria could read him and could tell there was more to the story that he wasn’t sharing. 

“Maybe, he got tired of working with you,” Danny said with a laugh. 

Maria looked at him as she threw her pencil at his head, then she gave him a hard time because she needed to get a new pencil now. “At least, you are an expert pencil sharpener,” Maria said teasing him. “Sorry, that wasn’t fair.”

Danny smiled remembering how much he enjoyed working with Baez.

* * *

“Did you meet with the Doc before work today,” Maria asked him?

“Yup, I can’t miss any appointments if I want to get back to working ‘real work,” Danny replied. “Doc wants me to keep doing my homework, making lists of things that matter and reasons to live – etc, etc, etc. He also said that I need to turn off my ‘internal dialogue,’ whatever the Hell that means.”

“Did you ask him what he meant,” Maria said?

Danny went on to say, “He explained that I needed to stop listening to the voice inside me telling me that it’s my fault Linda’s dead or that I don’t deserve to be happy.” Maria was listening intently not really disagreeing with anything he was saying. Doc sounded like a smart guy. She had heard Danny say things to himself and about himself that she knew were not healthy.

“Doc is a smart guy. He said that it has to be a daily choice. I can do that – I have to. Why are you so quiet? No snarky comments anymore,” Danny exclaimed.

“No. I agree with Doc. You need to believe that you definitely deserve to be happy because you do. You don’t need to just stop your ‘internal dialogue,’ you just change it something positive. I never want you to feel like,” her voice started to trail off and she looked away from him.

“Feel like what,” Danny says pretty sure he knew what she was going to say? Danny wished she believed him but how could he blame her for the way she felt. “I promised you, Maria, more than once. Never again,” Danny said assuredly! “I know I’ll never be ‘fixed,’ but I have some tools now that help. I’m getting help, Maria. Do you think I like feeling this way?” Danny could feel himself getting warmer. Normally, he would throw something or punch a locker, but instead he calmly said again, “I’m getting help, believe me okay.”

“I know. I just want my partner back,” Maria said with a smile.

Danny looked at her in agreement. He was feeling better today, good even. He felt at peace. He sure hoped that it wasn’t like the peace before a volcanic eruption. He also felt like his meeting with Doc today was a positive one. 

As Danny and Maria started to get back to work, the boss wandered over to their desks.

“Maria, your temporary partner is going back to his post as of today,” boss told Maria.

“Why,” Maria questioned?

“Because,” boss said as he pulled Danny’s gun and shield out his side pocket and placed in on his desk, “you’ve been cleared for full-duty by both the Doc and the Commissioner,” he said to Danny. “Welcome back, Reagan!”

Danny looked elated as he picked up the gun and shield and put them where they belong.

“Welcome back, Partner,” Maria said happy to have her partner back. Maria picked up the papers on her desk and went back to reading over her notes and interviews from the cases she had been working. Danny hopped over to her side of the desk to investigate what she was looking at.

“Don’t get too comfortable,” they both heard the boss yell from across the room. “You’ve got a new case. Get to work.”

* * *

Maria and Danny left the Squad together to go to the scene. Danny felt like he was doing what exactly what he was created for. This was just what he needed to stay focused on what’s important. He did need this job, even if it didn’t need him. The day went by with a flurry of activity from one witness to another. Together, they narrowed down suspects, found clues; even visited with Erin to get some warrants.

“ _Good to see you back on the job, Danny_ ,” his sister said.

Danny pauses in the chaos when his phone buzzes. He hopes it’s a text from Melanie, but it’s not. The text read, “ _Congratulations, son. I love you and I’m proud of you. You worked hard these weeks._ ” Reading the text, Danny swallowed hard and fought hard against the tears in his eyes. The text made him feel loved.

Another text came through, from Jamie this time, “ _Danny. Let’s meet for drinks after work and chat._ ” “Okay,” Danny thought. He shot off a reply to his brother.

Walking back to the car after a long day, Maria stops at her door momentarily. “Partner? What are you thinking,” Danny says to her?

“I’m thinking,” Maria starts to say looking away from him. Danny heard her breath hard and sniffle. “I’m glad you’re back. The job hasn’t been the same without you. I tried not to, but I spent many nights awake worried about you.” Danny walks around the car and gives her a big hug.

“I’m sorry,” Danny tells her. “I’ve spent some nights worried about me too. I’ll always have your six, just like I know you will always have mine.” Maria returned the hug.

They jump in the car and Maria says, “So tell me what’s next for you and Melanie.”

“You know I don’t kiss and tell,” Danny says with a smile.

“Yes, you do, Reagan,” Maria says undeniably!

“I’m thinking a romantic dinner at my place to thank her for being the best thing in my life right now, aside from the job,” Danny says conclusively.

“and me,” Maria says with a smile.

“and you.” Danny says back.

“and…”, Danny stops her and says, “Yes, I get it. I have many things to be thankful for, many great things in my life. But Melanie is topping the list right now.” Danny thinks for about what he is going to say next, “I told her that I loved her last night. Is that crazy?”

“No! I’m really happy for you, Danny,” Maria said with smile and a cleansing sigh. “Linda would be really happy too,” she said somewhat cautiously.

“I know she would,” Danny thought to himself smiling.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely rewrote this chapter three times before I was happy with it.  
> My inspiration for the final version of the chapter was this song: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yqYCh2mPK4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yqYCh2mPK4).
> 
> It started playing on the radio on Wednesday, while I was waiting to pick up my oldest Rainbow baby from school and also the 13th Anniversary of a friend's death.  
> Thank you, Phillips, Craig, and Dean for saying things better than I ever could.

Danny found himself staying later after church again. Sean went home with his dad because he was going to help prepare Sunday dinner. He sat for a silent minute and got up and began to walk to the back of the church. On his way out the doors, he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the church looked at Christmas time. He loved the beautiful red poinsettias up front and the advent wreath in the center. He was actually looking forward to Christmas. It was Linda’s favorite Holiday and he had trouble the past few years finding joy in the season without her here. Above the door was a wooden sign that said, “And suddenly there appeared with the angel a great multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying: ‘Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among people with whom He is pleased. Luke 2:14.” It was a cold Sunday morning, with snow still on the ground when Danny stepped outside into the parking lot. 

He walked through the parking lot, across the street, to the cemetery. He didn’t mind the longer walk instead of driving over. The ground was blanketed with newly fallen snow and it crunched under his feet as he walked up and down the rows. There were a few people on the property, but mostly it was just him and his thoughts. He was rehearsing in his mind what he wanted to say to Linda once he got to where her body was laid to rest. 

While he was walking, he got a text from Melanie saying that she was having a great time and would be back home some time Sunday afternoon. This made him smile and stop in his tracks for a moment. The wind was whistling through the trees breaking up the quiet stroll. As he got closer to where his family was, he drug his feet creating a trail behind him. He loved the magnificence of his surroundings but he could feel so much sadness. He wondered to himself if any of these other families every got closure. Closure, what does that even mean?

He arrived at the familiar row of gravestones and rubbed his hand across the top of the first three and stood square in front of his wife. There was a single red rose leaning up against the stone and he smiled. I wonder who put that there, he thought. Even though he had been practicing in his mind, he still wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Closure, it’s what he needed, but how?

* * *

> _“_ _Hey babe. Merry almost Christmas! You always loved this season. Remember when you used to get so excited about the first snow and you would rush out and take the boys sledding or ice skating, just to enjoy the snow.” I never understood that. I hate being cold.”_
> 
> _“Ice skating,” Danny says remembering! “Remember our 2 nd date when I took you ice skating. That feels like a lifetime ago now. I miss you and I wish you were here.” Danny takes a deep breath and continues, “I know I need to admit to myself that you aren’t coming back and really say goodbye. Why is this so damn hard? I don’t want to let you go. Doc says I need closure. Linda, what would you say to me? Who am I kidding? I know what you’d say. You’d tell me to lean on my family and get over myself. You always had the right words when I needed them. I’m trying to put on a brave face and be strong. I miss you!”_
> 
> _“I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if this thing with Melanie is going to be long term or if she’s just what I need right now to get me through this first attempt at ‘moving on.’ I owe it to her to try. I owe it to her not to be stuck on you.” Danny suppresses a sob and wipes some tears from eyes. The tears are warm on his cold cheeks._
> 
> _“I think you’d actually like her. It’s sounds strange to say it but I can actually picture you too being friends. But you were friends with everybody, weren’t you?” Danny smiles a little as he remembers how loving and friendly Linda was._
> 
> _“I love you-always. I need to walk away, not forever, not forgetting, just a walk away for now. I love you most.”_

Danny turns around and takes two or three slow steps away and turns to look over his shoulder. With tears flowing, he isn’t trying to stop anymore, he says, “I can’t. I can’t walk away.” He steps back to Linda and sits down with his back up against the gravestone, with his knees up against his chest. Now, he’s cold and wet sitting in the snow but he doesn’t care. He can’t breathe. He picked up the rose someone left and held it close. He wants to be ready to ‘move on’ and he knows that Melanie deserves to have all of him but maybe he isn’t as ready as he wants to be. She deserves for him to try. The last thing he wants to do is lead her on and hurt her in the process.

* * *

Danny doesn’t know how long he had been sitting there before he heard quiet footsteps approaching in the snow. He looked and saw his Priest walking towards him. “Hi Father. What are you doing out in the snow,” Danny says?

“I often walk around here after Mass and pray for the souls of those buried and for their families left behind,” the Priest said.

“It means quite a bit to me to know you were praying for me, Father,” Danny told him.

“I’ve been praying for you for decades, Danny, but especially these last few weeks and months.” Father sits down in the snow with Danny to talk. “How are you doing,” Father asked genuinely interested?

“I was actually feeling really good. I can’t explain it. I spent the weekend with Melanie and her family and had a great time. I even told her that I loved her. I told Doc that I knew Linda would be happy for me and he told me that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I actually felt like I believed him. Is that weird?”

“No, not weird at all,” Father said smiling. Father was feeling good hearing Danny talk in positive language, probably the best he had felt since he heard about Danny alone in that park.

“I still love her and I miss her,” Danny said looking at the ground. “Why can’t I say goodbye? If I’m finally thinking positive, why can’t I breathe?”

“No one is questioning your love for Linda and no one ever will. Grief can suck the air right out of you. It’s a funny thing about closure. Closure doesn’t mean that you forget or that you no longer care. It doesn’t mean that you no longer have bad days sometimes. It just means that you have discovered a way to handle the emotions when they come. It’s about not letting the grief take over your mind so you can’t function or not letting the grief convince you that you don’t deserve to live. It’s about giving you permission to be happy. That internal dialogue is what will destroy you if you let it,” Father explained. “You don’t have to say ‘goodbye,’ just say ‘see you later.”

Danny looked intently at the Father like he was really listening. For the first time in a long time, he thought maybe that hope Father talked about was really possible for him. 

Danny laughed to himself and said, “Do you and my Doc get together and talk about me, because that’s almost exactly what he said?”

“No, that would unethical for both of us,” the Priest said with a laugh.

Father continued, “Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” “Let me ask you something and you don’t have to give me an answer, do you think you love Melanie?”

“I don’t know but I think so,” Danny said with a smile. “She has been way more patient with me than I deserve. I wouldn’t have said it, if I didn’t mean it.”

“Do you believe you deserve happiness or do you still blame yourself for her death so you don’t think you deserve to be happy or are you still harboring unnecessary guilt,” Father asked him not really expecting an answer? “Just something to think about and some voices to turn off.”

Danny shook his head and stood up and then helped Father up. He didn’t want to think about the answer to that question. It was such a loaded question. They walked together and talked some more as they went back across the street.

Danny said goodbye to Father and as he was walking to his car, his pocket started to vibrate. He picked up the phone, smiled, and greeted Melanie happily on the other end of the phone. It was nice to hear her voice. She told him that she was almost home. Danny invited her over for dinner on Monday evening. He had a special evening planned to show her just exactly how much he didn’t deserve her. She was way too good to him. He talked to her on the phone as he got into his car and the whole way back to his house. He loved hearing about what her and her family did together, about her job, her life dreams. He just loved getting to know her more all the time.

He hung up when he in front of his house and listens to the song on the radio, 

> _"There is a God who's never left me  
>  And here in the hurting, You're still with me  
>  That You have carried me this far and You won't stop now  
>  Oh, there is a God who sees my sorrow  
>  Catches my tears in a bottle  
>  You're still working even when I can't see how  
>  There is pain, there is broken  
>  There is hurt, but He's the hope I'm standing on"_
> 
> Phillips, Craig, and Dean


End file.
